Garden Thoughts
by misslucy21
Summary: I probably deserve what I bought with my blood money.


Insert Disclaimer Here  
Spoilers...hmm. Pretty much the entire end of season 2

Order of Operations: "Beyond Misconceptions", "Nervous", "Invincible Summer", "Choices Revisited", "Winter Warriors", "Garden Thoughts"

Enjoy :o)

Garden Thoughts

* * *

To think I admired you  
For now I despise you

You liar - you Judas

"The Last Supper," Jesus Christ Superstar

* * *

God, I'm tired.  
  
I can just hear the nuns. "Josiah Bartlet, don't you use the Good Lord's name in vain." But honestly, I think that was half prayer. I am tired, Lord. I am so weary.  
  
I didn't expect this to happen. I don't think I thought about this eventuality when I started playing this game. I don't think anyone did. Not that there was anyone around to really think about it. I had to tell Zoey about the form when she called last night. I didn't want Charlie to not be able to talk to her about it. She cried, said it was all her fault. She said she'd filled out the forms for us to sign and she honestly forgot to put down that I have MS because she just doesn't think about it very often. Said it's easier to keep a secret that way, just don't think about it. I told her it wasn't her fault. It was just a mistake. She forgot to list it, but Abbey forgot to check it over before she signed it.  
  
Babish asked Abbey if I was in the room when she signed the forms. I don't even remember if I was around when she signed the forms. I don't think I even knew about them. Abbey always took care of that sort of thing. I only signed things for the girls when she was out at Harvard once in awhile or if it required both signatures. The only things I have any memory of signing for them were their report cards.  
  
Telling everyone was the hardest part. Toby ranted and railed, like I guessed he would. But he promised his silence to let Leo and I decide to tell everyone else. I think he slipped while talking to Leo late that night, told Leo to wait until after I'd talked to counsel before telling "the kids". Sometimes I wonder if his perception is true. And if it is, are Sam, Josh and CJ the "kids" simply because they're younger, or is it because we sometimes treat them like they're kids. I have to wonder about their historical basis on this question of lying to the American people. Leo and I were both married with kids during what Abbey calls the era of mistrust. Toby was probably in college during Watergate. Josh will be 38 later this year, almost old enough to remember Vietnam. But Sam turned 35 a couple of weeks ago, and CJ's 35th birthday isn't for a couple weeks yet. They weren't even born yet when Vietnam started to escalate and they were only in elementary school when Watergate broke. I wonder what they remember. I wonder what kind of effect it had on them. I know what kind of effect this is having on them.  
  
We told Josh two days after I talked to Babish. I think that was the hardest for Leo. Joshua is the son Leo never had, although neither of them would ever admit it. He's known the boy since the day he was born. I remember meeting the Lymans once or twice at Leo and Jenny's occasional parties. Josh was probably at these parties, running around in the backyard with Mallory and my girls. I don't have any recollection of seeing him as a child, although Abbey said she remembers him as being very rambunctious- apparently he shoved Elizabeth after she made some joke about his sister- but he was polite to her, and came right out and admitted he was the one who pushed Liz. I expected him to be angry, expected a repeat of the confused lecture he gave me about the oil reserve. I know that wasn't in any way his fault, but it was irksome at the time. I had braced myself for his anger. But I think he was more bewildered than anything else. He asked questions almost at random, as though he didn't understand what we had told him, but was so lost that he couldn't even frame the questions. The questions were tinged with aggression, but he never really got beyond the shock while he was talking to me. I was almost impressed with his restraint, until I realized that he was just lost.  
  
Sam was hard. He had no idea it was coming, although I have no idea how that could have happened. Toby was protecting him, I know, but he must have been in a completely different headspace to not have picked up on the fact that something was wrong. Josh had known something wasn't right, although he hadn't expected it to be as bad as it was. CJ had known Toby was lying to her about something for at least a week, if not as soon as the day after I told Toby. Sam was clueless. He came into the Oval chattering excitedly about the budget surplus and the Chicago speech, and it took close to five minutes for Leo to get him to listen to what we had to tell him. He was absolutely silent for almost as long afterwards, before asking if I was all right. After I assured him I was fine for the moment, he just looked at me as though I'd stabbed him in the gut and asked quiet questions about the legal ramifications and who knew and how the hell I had pulled this off. I answered them as much as I could. As for how I pulled it off, I believe I told him "very carefully".  
  
We tried to be careful and look where it got us. You trying to tell me something, God? Trying to tell me I'm too big for my britches? I don't suppose that would be out of the realm of possibility. Although this is nice and humbling. I have to listen to a lawyer's endless questions, most of which I don't have answers to. I then get to hear about how much of a pain in the ass my staff is being about it. I honestly can't say I much blame them. I didn't expect Leo to give Babish any problems. I did expect Toby and Josh to be stubborn about it, but surprisingly enough, Toby is being the most cooperative. Josh isn't too bad about it, but I think they both have too much else to worry about. Babish said that Sam was somewhat helpful, but if he never had to sit down with CJ again it would be too soon. CJ is still enough of an enigma to me that I wasn't certain how she would react. Apparently she's decided to go for spitfire mode. I haven't actually talked to her.  
  
Abbey is upset that we told CJ before she could be there for it. She's absolutely pissed that I haven't talked to CJ at all. But of all my staff, it's CJ I just could not face. I could handle Toby's ranting, Josh's angrily bewildered questions, Sam's betrayed eyes, but I couldn't handle sitting down and destroying CJ's life. I could not tell her that I had lied to her and in turn caused her to lie to the American public in a way that none of the rest of us did. I did ask Leo how she reacted. He said she just asked if I was all right, and then changed the subject. She just clammed up on him, refused to talk about it. He said it was scarier than Toby's reaction, but it didn't really surprise him. I then remembered what she was like last fall, after the shooting, where she wouldn't tell anyone how she was feeling. I know she doesn't think anyone really noticed, but we did. I should talk to her. I imagine she feels even worse about it since I didn't tell her. Who knows what's going through her head right now? She gets these ideas that we don't trust her abilities, I know this. And she probably thinks she's the sacrifice right now. CJ's going to be the fall guy. If I'm indicted, she probably will be too. But, I am going to strongly protest any plan that suggests we have her resign. She's too good for that, and none of it is her fault anyway, even considering what she told Abbey.  
  
Leo said he hasn't made any real plans yet. He did tell me he needs to have a sit down meeting with everyone all at once before he makes any decisions. I don't want to have this meeting. I don't want this to be an issue. This is not how I wanted to make history. These are not lives I wanted to destroy. If this goes the way everyone is thinking it will, none of my staff will be able to get jobs in this town ever again. And they're all too good to be stuck in local politics out in Podunk, South Dakota.  
  
Oh, Lord, can't I just pass this cup to someone else? I'm sure You can find someone stronger to carry it. I don't ask you why You decided my nervous system should revolt, why can't You just take this away from me? Is that too much to ask? Or is this my just punishment for not consulting You before neglecting to inform the country that I have MS? I'm more Judas than Christ, though. I probably deserve what I bought with my blood money.  
  
If you'll do nothing else, Lord, please take care of my staff, the intrepid people who believed in me, the people I feel fortunate enough to call friends, even family. Take care of my girls and my Abigail. Even if You can't take care of me, take care of them, because I don't think I deserve to anymore.  
  
And when I'm through, pray look upon me with mercy.  
  
End


End file.
